Burying our Little Girl

The days after Emerson was born went by in a blur.  By the time she left our home on Saturday, it was early evening.  Family slowly trickled out until it was just the 9 of us left at home, Jason and I and our 6 big kids, and our little guardian angel.  Exhaustion started to come in, and again I was so grateful to be at home where I could simply snuggle down into my bed and go to sleep. I began to realize that although I wouldn’t be woken up every few hours for a feeding, I still was going to have to go through the process of healing from childbirth.  I was taking tinctures to help my uterus contract, and tinctures to help dry up my milk, even though it had yet to come in, waiting to see if the pitocin was going to have any negative effects on me – my midwife had given me a shot when I wouldn’t stop bleeding after the birth – drinking water, etc etc. I don’t remember much about that evening, but I do remember that the spirit stayed in our home, so strong, that there was very little in the way of grief, but much in the way of awe and peace. And love.  And joy.

Sunday morning Jason and the kids went to church and I slept.  Dinner was brought in. It was a quiet peaceful day, with some visitors bearing gifts and some family bringing more love and comfort, keeping us occupied.

Monday morning came, and I was blessed with enough energy to get through the day.  We headed over to the mortuary first to see our little girl one last time. This was probably the most difficult part of this entire experience for me, but also one of the most beautiful. It is an amazing experience to watch your children go through something like this.  It gives you a chance to peek in to their souls a little bit. My kids have beautiful souls.

After we spent about half hour with Emerson, it was time to say goodbye for the final time in this life. I took a tiny lock of her hair, kissed her goodbye, and we walked away.  I’m so glad we have had eachother, and the Spirit, to hold us up and hold us together, it has been truly remarkable.

We headed over to the cemetery where we held a small graveside service.  Almost all of my family was there, and all of Jason’s family that lives here in Utah.  And our closest friends that live nearby. It was a rainy, windy, drizzly cold day. My two boys acted as pall-bearers, carrying that little casket into our small circle of love and support. All the kids there sang families can be together forever, and then Jason dedicated the grave.  It was a short and simple service, but very sweet.

The Relief Society in our ward put on a luncheon for our family and friends. There was a ton of food and I am so grateful for the church, and the people in it, all these sisters who barely know me, if they know me at all. It was a special time to be with all of my family.

In the time that has passed I have become more and more grateful that we decided to bury Emerson here in Lehi.  I have dropped by several times and felt peace in that beautiful spot in that cemetery filled with little ones. I’m so glad it is so close to home.

I can’t wait until we get to see her again, but in the meantime, I’m so grateful for the blessing of the hours we had with her, and the knowledge we have that this time apart will someday seem very short to us, when we understand eternity. And that she will be a part of my eternity.